2023 in Review

 2023 was, bluntly, a bitch.  

My wife unexpectedly passed in March.

Were she famous, a future history book might say something along the lines of "Katherine, age 57, passed suddenly, following a heart attack (due to low blood pressure caused by a GI bleed), in the morning of March 17, 2023.  She left behind a husband and 6 children, ranging in age from 31 to 9."

What would not be said was the affect her passing left on her kids, the youngest four still in school, or her husband, now raising them as a single father.

The full effect on the children can only be guessed at - after all, they are still growing, and coming to terms with their loss.  All four have gone to some form of grief counseling, and are adjusting as well as could be hoped. 

The husband - me - has not fared as well.

All tasks once divided between the spouses now falls to me.  That is not anything new to humanity - single parents have probably existed since marriage was instituted - but it both new and unexpected to me.  My kids are adjusting to the new division of labor, cleaning when made to, picking up when forced, and making dinner (and washing dishes) when reminded.  All in all, we are surviving.

All future plans have gone away - there will be no "long weekend" trips along the gulf coast to discover potential retirement spots, no expected trip with the family to Disney, or Hawaii, or anywhere else, for example.  No days spent dreaming of sipping coffee in our twilight years, no weekends spent watching the grandkids.  All vanished, suddenly.

As for me, I find the present both disturbing and oppressive, where my life is filled with things I must do - responsibilities - and very few wants get fulfilled.  When I have free time, I tend to focus on the bleak - that I have a greater than zero chance of dying before I see all my kids graduate high school, for example.  

I have searched for companionship.  I find I am not in a "normal" spot - At 57, there are many single women my age, through divorce or death.  Most are near retirement, and empty nesters - I am neither.  When I look at women who have kids still at home (and looking at an 8 to 10 year runway for graduation), I find myself with more in common with mid 40's than mid 50's - except I have little else in common with mid 40's women.

When I step back and look at the big picture, my life is good - I have 6 kids who are becoming (or are) productive members of society.  My bills are paid, I have heat and food, and a car that runs fine.

I just want more.