Let's be honest - foster care is the least objectionable option from a bunch of bad possibilities.
No child should be without their parents, so for DCS to decide that a child is better off AWAY from their parent than with them indicates that the parents have made a long series of poor decisions, whether addiction, alcoholism, neglect, or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
To be placed in Foster Care normally means that there are no blood relatives that are stable enough, or willing, to take care of the child.
To decide that a stranger is better able to care for this child than a parent or relative must mean that the other options were horrible. And the child, freshly removed from his home, has just entered a new world - the "Foster Zone".
My wife and I have been foster parents for a few years now. It is certainly not something I recommend for everyone - or anyone - but it has brought some very special children into our life. Our goal, as we have told the children in the first few days of care, is to watch over them and keep them safe until they can be returned to their parent(s). They become "ours" on the first day, which means age-appropriate chores, following the family rules about behavior, bedtime, and such, and generally becoming a part of our family for the time they are here.
Our first foster boy was here 6 months (when the plan was for 2 or 3 months). We found out, with him, that 1) DCS and our foster agency don't normally lie to us, but they really have no answers to any questions, and 2) Raising children traumatized by being removed from their parent is VERY unlike raising your own child - they have different ideas of what the rules should be, they don't believe their parent did anything wrong (even though there was abuse by the only parent), and will see any form of affection toward the foster parent as a betrayal of their own parent.
There are many joys of fostering children. Rarely have I seen how big a difference can be made in a child's life as simply providing stability to a pre-school child - a consistent bedtime, 3 meals every day, a warm bed to sleep in, a safe place to play - the things that I never thought about until I met someone who lacked them. But with each joy there is a sorrow - trying to comfort a 2 year old who doesn't understand why mommy isn't coming for her visitation again, for example.
We have had Weston for 2 years, 1 month, and 15 days. His mother, like so many other parents of foster children, has problems with addiction. For the first 15 months or so, the plan was for reunification - returning him to his mother - but she was unable to abide by the required guidelines. After 15 months, DCS pursued a TPR - Termination of Parental Rights - at which point he became a ward of the state.
We have been winding our way through the system for adoption since then. Now, after what seems like an incredibly long time, my wife and I are about to finalize the adoption of Weston Garrett Davis.
I am almost 52 years old. I will be 66 when he graduates high school, and 70 when he graduates college. I question my sanity. I have always questioned my wife's sanity.
BUT he will make life more interesting, and my youngest daughter is something she never thought she would be - a big sister.
I suspect we will have many difficult discussions about his biological mom. He will be told that he was chosen to be part of our family, that even though he wasn't born to us, he was PLACED here. And hopefully that will be what he needs.
Who knows how he will feel. He may struggle, as many adoptees do. Or he may be the most perfectly adjusted person in the world.
Either way, wish him a "Happy Adoption Day" if you see him. He knows it is a big deal. He just doesn't understand why, yet.
No child should be without their parents, so for DCS to decide that a child is better off AWAY from their parent than with them indicates that the parents have made a long series of poor decisions, whether addiction, alcoholism, neglect, or physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
To be placed in Foster Care normally means that there are no blood relatives that are stable enough, or willing, to take care of the child.
To decide that a stranger is better able to care for this child than a parent or relative must mean that the other options were horrible. And the child, freshly removed from his home, has just entered a new world - the "Foster Zone".
My wife and I have been foster parents for a few years now. It is certainly not something I recommend for everyone - or anyone - but it has brought some very special children into our life. Our goal, as we have told the children in the first few days of care, is to watch over them and keep them safe until they can be returned to their parent(s). They become "ours" on the first day, which means age-appropriate chores, following the family rules about behavior, bedtime, and such, and generally becoming a part of our family for the time they are here.
Our first foster boy was here 6 months (when the plan was for 2 or 3 months). We found out, with him, that 1) DCS and our foster agency don't normally lie to us, but they really have no answers to any questions, and 2) Raising children traumatized by being removed from their parent is VERY unlike raising your own child - they have different ideas of what the rules should be, they don't believe their parent did anything wrong (even though there was abuse by the only parent), and will see any form of affection toward the foster parent as a betrayal of their own parent.
There are many joys of fostering children. Rarely have I seen how big a difference can be made in a child's life as simply providing stability to a pre-school child - a consistent bedtime, 3 meals every day, a warm bed to sleep in, a safe place to play - the things that I never thought about until I met someone who lacked them. But with each joy there is a sorrow - trying to comfort a 2 year old who doesn't understand why mommy isn't coming for her visitation again, for example.
We have had Weston for 2 years, 1 month, and 15 days. His mother, like so many other parents of foster children, has problems with addiction. For the first 15 months or so, the plan was for reunification - returning him to his mother - but she was unable to abide by the required guidelines. After 15 months, DCS pursued a TPR - Termination of Parental Rights - at which point he became a ward of the state.
We have been winding our way through the system for adoption since then. Now, after what seems like an incredibly long time, my wife and I are about to finalize the adoption of Weston Garrett Davis.
I am almost 52 years old. I will be 66 when he graduates high school, and 70 when he graduates college. I question my sanity. I have always questioned my wife's sanity.
BUT he will make life more interesting, and my youngest daughter is something she never thought she would be - a big sister.
I suspect we will have many difficult discussions about his biological mom. He will be told that he was chosen to be part of our family, that even though he wasn't born to us, he was PLACED here. And hopefully that will be what he needs.
Who knows how he will feel. He may struggle, as many adoptees do. Or he may be the most perfectly adjusted person in the world.
Either way, wish him a "Happy Adoption Day" if you see him. He knows it is a big deal. He just doesn't understand why, yet.
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