Back in Bangalore

Ok, so I am back in Bangalore after a 7 week trip back to the States. And I am... what is the word I am searching for? Depressed? Oppressed? Anxious?

Alone.

That seems a bit odd in a city of 8 million people, give or take a few hundred thousand. But for this trip I am traveling by myself. It shouldn't be a problem - I spent all last year here, by myself, and never felt like this. But when I returned to Bangalore in March, I had my 9 year old daughter with me, and therein lies the problem. See, I managed to share my experiences with her. She didn't like being away from home and family, but I think she enjoyed some of the time here - although it may take her a few years to understand how much of an impact it has had on her. (Except for the Monkey-mugger - that had an immediate impact, but the story will get better with each telling.)

But I find that, having had a companion for a few months, my time now seems lonely. There is nobody to share this exotic location with. I stand out wherever I go in India (being 6'5" and 300+ lbs means I draw crowds), and that is something that is best shared. When I am with somebody else, it is funny. When I am alone, it just reminds me even more how much I feel like a stranger in a strange land.

So what can I do about it? At the moment, not a heck of a lot. But my buddy Max returns to India (alone) in a few weeks, so I will have a pal to eat dinner with, and to visit MG Road, Shivajinagar market, and Commercial street. Someone to share the crowd with. Someone to look at, and just say "what did we get ourselves into?"

Looking forward, though, I have to make a change. IF (and that is a big if, unknown and currently unknowable) I am to be back in India next year, it will be with my family. Being here alone is just not an option right now. Of course, like everything else, my views are subject to change at a moments notice. I am employed, which is a good thing. My bills get paid, mostly on time, which is a very good thing. As long as my company continues to want me here, I will do my utmost to satisfy my company, and keep my employment - but I will also try and balance that with my own sanity.

I read back through this blog entry and find that I haven't said anything, really - yet I somehow feel better. Perhaps it is the mere act of recording your thoughts that helps process them. Or perhaps it is the sharing, even though it is with the nameless, faceless people on Facebook, or those that stumble across my blog. Either way, there is something cathartic about recording my thoughts. Perhaps that is why so many people keep a diary (or a journal, if you are a manly-man).

I think this needs to become a more frequent event, recording my thoughts.

Feel free to ignore them - after all, they are recorded for me, not you.