All dressed up, and nowhere to go...

I suffer from panic attacks.

For those who do not know what that means, it means that, periodically, I will have the incredible sense that I am going to die, that the world is collapsing, and that I absolutely MUST get away from - well, from wherever I am.  My heart races, my fingers tingle, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes more erratic, I may feel like I am burning up with fever, or freezing cold - or both in rapid succession, and I feel like I am going to die.  Adrenaline floods my bloodstream.  I am in full "fight or flight" mode, but with nothing whatsoever to fight, and no way to get away from myself.

Panic attacks, to put it bluntly, suck.

I am not alone.  Some estimates are that as many as 40% of the population will have at least one panic attack.  Some of us will have many, many more - and worrying about them can induce them.  Caffeine - which means my beloved percolated coffee - can also trigger them.  And, like most of my emotional, physical, and mental problems, they are hereditary - So, Thanks for nothing, Dad.

My question is how do I handle them.  Rushing to the ER every time I have a panic attack will make my insurance a bit annoyed, drain my bank account, and put me on a first-name basis with my ER staff.  Doing nothing - my normal means of dealing with them - works in all but the most severe panic attacks.  The more severe ones - well, they really suck.

I have tried - truly, wholeheartedly, tried.  I prayed that God would remove the spirit of fear.  Unfortunately, it doesn't help.  Now before my Christian friends point out that perhaps my faith was lacking, let me remind you that Christ himself criticized his disciples for having faith less than that of a mustard seed.  I am sure my faith is lacking.  But I don't think that that is the reason for my panic attacks.

I have also tried take Alprazolam, also known as Xanax.  It works, mostly.  My doctor is afraid of dependence, so I am not supposed to use it until I am actually experiencing a panic attack - when I may or not have it with me.  Luckily, from what I can tell, no one has ever died from Panic Attacks - you just feel like you will.

So, if you suffer from Panic Attacks, or Panic Disorder, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, tell me - what works for you?  How do you fight yourself through a fear, when you KNOW it is a baseless, unrealistic fear, but your body goes on reacting as if it is petrified anyway?

Thanks...

My political ramblings

As I get older, I find my political views are changing.  This is not necessarily a positive for either of the presumed presidential candidates, though. 

Living in India, I have found people (or at least those represented by the newspaper's views) to be childish.  Actually, that is probably too strong a word - Childlike is probably better.

They expect the government to protect them from - well, pretty much everything.  Famine, war pestilence?  Check.  Adult themes on television, as evidenced by banning "The Dirty Picture", a critically acclaimed movie, which was denied a showing even after ALL the edits suggested by the sensors?  Check. 

I wonder what is next.  Do Indians (or anyone) have the right not to be offended?  I certainly hope not - Part of Freedom is the ability to offend people. Yes, it is tempered - I don't have the right to scream "Fire" in a crowded movie theater.  But don't I have rights to express myself?  Why should anyone have the right to oppress my expression?

In the US, there are a few things that would define me as "liberal".  (Very few things.)  Gay marriage, for example.  It's not that I support it, or oppose it.  I just don't care.  If two people want to get married, and spend money for a wedding, why should I care whether they are both male, or female, or white, black, Asian, Hispanic, or, to be honest, human?  There are some people who will argue that soon people will be marrying dogs and cats.  Again - who cares?  No tax breaks for marrying a non-human, and everything seems fine to me.  Of course, since the animal can't sign divorce papers, good luck changing your mind later...

Drug laws - they aren't working.  I don't know what they should be, but looking at what we have, there is a pretty good example of "What not to do".  I am for the decriminalization of certain drugs, and believe that they should be treated like cigarettes and alcohol - regulate and tax the snot out of them.  Another Liberal check for my political viewpoint.



I am strongly in favor of Capitol Punishment.  Murderers can escape (like the Texas bunch did), and they can kill again.  Capital Punishment guarantees that they don't murder again.  A check for the Conservative column.  And I am against Abortion.  Check two in the Conservative column.  (BTW, I find it a little hard to understand any person who thinks killing murderers is bad, but killing unborn babies is ok.) 

Where I am very conservative is finances.  While my personal finances don't always reflect appropriate decisions, I expect my government to be frugal and cautious with MY money, and everybody elses money, also.  I don't expect Government to take care of everything.  I believe Ford (not Jefferson, as is often mis-attributed) was right - "A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have."

What I want MOST from my government is to be left alone.  The less involved with my life the government is, the happier I am.  Jefferson did say "The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground."  (Thomas Jefferson knew small government was best.  He also hated debt and banks, so two more pluses for TJ.)  Big government - Like our current president embraces - scares the bejesus out of me.

I find more and more I view myself as "Libertarian".  I want the government to stay out of my hair (so to speak) and out of my love life/financial life/childrearing decisions/everything else.  I am also enough of a realist to recognise that a Libertarian candidate will NEVER succeed at the national level.  (OK, Never may be too strong - how about "not in the next few years".)  So - I vote with the candidate that most agrees with me between the big two. 

You can find out who most agrees with you.  Check out http://www.selectsmart.com/president/.

Mors Omnibus Communis

The Latin makes the post sound interesting.  I'll save you the trouble of using Google - It means "Death comes to all men" (or, "all things").

I have been sick the last three days, with a fever and muscle aches.  This is the second time in a month, which is not normal for me.  Coupled with the sickness, though, is a form of - not depression, exactly, but a constant focus on my own demise.  I am sure many people go through this, a kind of grieving process for your own mortality.  (I know - I Googled it, and "Accepting own mortality" has 12 million hits.)

Perhaps it is this phase in life - the acceptance that one's life is finite, not the knowledge of it, but the full total acceptance - that leads to "mid-life crisis".  After all, why think about death when you can buy a sports car, ditch the wife for a silicon-implanted 20-something, and pretend you have a new lease on life? 

Maybe I could go the other direction, and become an old man before my time.  Take up dominoes, play checkers in the front lawn with an old coon hound, watch Lawrence Welk, and complain about all the "Noise" the radio stations are playing.

Nah, that doesn't sound like me either. 

Shakespeare wrote "Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once."  I always believed that it was the running away that caused the "coward" to "die" a thousand times, but now I wonder if it isn't the worry, anxiety, and fear that the Bard was referring to.  If so, I am a coward.  I have tasted death hundreds of times, in my worry and fear.

I am a Christian.  I believe there is an afterlife.  I believe in the resurrection of all men.  "It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement."  I don't fear death, but dying scares the crap out of me.

I wonder why it bothers me so much.  I am a reasonably logical fellow.  I accept that everything that lives will die.  There just seems like there should be an exception for ME.  That seems selfish.  Ok, an exception for you, too.

Maybe it is because this is one of the areas where I have NO control whatsoever.  I didn't get a vote.  I was never asked my opinion.  I can't opt out of it.  I can't choose to pay a tax rather than go along with it.  (Yes, that was a dig at Obamacare)   (Side Note - I find it funny that spell check suggests replacing Obamacare with Macabre.) 

I assume this, like other overwhelming situations, needs to be handled using "Elephant Mastication".  (How do you eat an Elephant?  One bite at a time.)  Some things make it easier to take a bite.  This blog, for example, helps.  A warm bed with a soft body makes the nights feel less dark and scary.  Even knowing that all mortals before me faced the same inner turmoil makes gives me hope that I also may come to fully accept it.

Dylan Thomas wrote a famous poem, urging his father to fight death, to not give in.  It starts: 
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."


I feel he was wrong.  When it is time, I pray that I will face my death with dignity, that I will be able to comfort my family with my acceptance. 

I know my life will end.  I just pray it is not too soon.

Trials and Tribulations

Stuff happens.

While that is not really profound, I find that I always expect things to just "Happen" when they should, for things to just work, and for plans to always come together, despite knowing that life is messy and complicated.

Recently my daughter spent some time with us in Bangalore, India. Her time here was enjoyed by all, and it was a difficult parting on Wednesday, when she returned to the US.

Through a mutual decision, we chose to keep her cell phone suspended, and to move her to her own plan. The phone was ordered, and arrived at our home in the US before she left, so she knew her phone would be waiting for her - but it also meant the trip would be taken without a cell phone.

Since I normally am unable to get cell service overseas anyway, and the layovers were expected to be relatively short, this seemed like a minor inconvenience. The biggest problem would be getting the limo company to know exactly when she was arriving, so I decided to closely monitor her flights, and update them myself.

She had her iPod, a pair of laptops, her mom's debit card, and a sunny disposition, so we figured she would be fine.

The trip is never easy, normally running 32 hours or so from door to door, being locked in 2 planes of over 8 hours duration each, and never really having a place to sleep, rest, or unwind. (I believe my family is the reason other passengers drink heavily.)

In my daughters case, it was much worse than normal. From what I have learned, her flight from Bangalore to London was uneventful (which, when flying half way around the world, is as good as it gets), where all plans when out the window.

Her flight from London to Chicago was delayed, then delayed again, then cancelled for hydrolic issues. Knowing a little bit about planes, I know that hydrolic issues in the big boys is a major problem. In addition to raising and lowering the landing gear (something needed for a 'landing' rather than a 'crash landing'), hydrolics also control the flaps and rudder - you know, so you could climb or descend, and actual steer the plane. Important stuff, all. Much better to cancel the flight, than risk people's lives.

The cancellation put her in a bind. She had no way to let us know what was going on, and she really didn't know what to do. (Me, I always play to my strengths - I become the loud, angry, XXXL American that nobody wants to deal with, until somebody lets me know what is going on and makes things right.) When the decision was made to cancel the flight, she ended up in a line a couple hours long, but did eventually get tickets for the first flight to the US the next day (to Washington DC), a connection to Indy 3 hours after the scheduled landing in DC, coupons for meals, and a hotel room for the night.

She was also able to borrow a cell phone, and call my Skype to let me know what was going on. While I knew the flight had been cancelled, I didn't know what arrangements had been made, so the call was very helpful, even though it came at 3:00 AM India time. I altered the reservation for her ride to the new date and time, and asked her to send an e-mail or call from DC if there were any changes.

She also had to get her checked bags, lug them with her to the hotel, drag them back to the airport, and recheck them, all in an unfamiliar airport, where they don't speak English, but British.

Since Murphy and his law are alive and well, her flight was delayed by two hours. Remember, she had no way of telling us anything, but I am monitoring the situation. Assuming that the one hour between the new "Expected" landing and the departure of her flight to Indy was not sufficient to go through passport control, get her bags, go through customs, recheck her bags, pass through security again, and make it to her gate, I notified the limo company of her new planned flight (almost 5 hours later), and did the best I could to get her a message - Apple's iMessage service, facebook private message, and letting her fiancee know (because I figured if she was given one phone call, it wouldn't be to me).

While she is familiar with the procedures in Chicago, our nation's capital seems to have put her off her game. She apparently spend several hours in line going through Passport Control (Immigration), and by the time she cleared customs she was pretty upset. She borrowed another cell phone, and called us (again, 3:30 AM India time), crying and stressed.

I calmed her down a little, explained that I already knew she was going to miss her connection, that I figured she was going to be booked on the flight that she was, in fact, booked on, and that arrangements had already been made for her transportation from Indy international to our home. She had plenty of time, she should try and relax, get something to eat, and enjoy the fact that the trip was almost over.

She told me that she was unable to check her mail, because her devices were all dead, and the hotel in London did not have adapters (and she was - wisely - not going to pay $30 for an adapter when we already had half a dozen, just not in her possession). The hotel also did not have an alarm clock, nor a "Wake up" facility, so she put the TV to CNN, which had the time constantly on the channel, and woke up frequently to check the time, and ensure that she didn't oversleep.

The final leg of her journey was uneventful, the limo service was where they were supposed to be, and she was home just after 1:00 AM - about 24 hours later than planned.

In all, her trip home was 8, 655 miles, and it took her 55 hours. She averaged over 157 miles an hour. It was a rough trip, but infinitely easier than what the same trip would have entailed a century ago.

My point for this post, though, is not to just to state what a long difficult trip this was for her, but to observe that life itself is like this trip - a series of difficulties and trials that must be addressed, and overcome or worked around. While I am sure she was miserable, she learned some things about people, and herself, from the experience. It didn't break her, it will make her stronger and more resilient, and that means the experience served its purpose as teacher.

We all have trials and tribulations. Some are short lived - a fender bender, a rough trip, or standing in line to deal with an overworked and stressed out British Airways employee. Some trials take longer - a layoff, a change of address, financial difficulties.

I wondered what exactly the difference was between a trial and a tribulation. Google, as always provided the answer. A trial is a test - something that tests your resolve, determination, and commitment. A tribulation, while similar, is a difficulty which costs something - same root as in "paying tribute". Trials can be overcome without any permanent loss.

I believe some trials can become tribulations if not dealt with properly. Financial trials can become tribulations easily. The loss of a loved one is always a tribulation, but the loss of a job is not, and can be overcome.

I pray that we meet all our trials head on, and they never grow into tribulation.

Lisa Irwin...

Lisa Irwin is the latest missing child (in her case, Infant) to make the news. The father returned from his job at 4:00 AM to find the whole house lit up, the front door and a window wide open, and no baby anywhere.

Today's news (October 7th, 2011) is that the parents have stopped cooperating with police.

Now, I remember the JonBenet Ramsey case a decade and a half ago, and there are some strange similarities. JonBenet was not kidnapped, although there was a ransom note. Instead JonBenet was murdered, and the detectives in that case seemed to have botched it about as badly as could be. One of the first things they did was to focus on the family as suspects.

Now, I am sure whenever a spouse is murdered, some large percentage of the time the killer is the surviving spouse. I am also sure that when a child goes missing, the parents or a close family member are involved a large percentage of the time. But as an accountant I knew used to say, "Figures don't lie... but liars figure."

Percentages don't really mean anything in an individual case. Just like "America has 90% employment" doesn't mean squat if you are searching for a job.

I suspect that the police began aggressively questioning someone in the family - the mom, the dad, a brother, whoever - because that is what detectives do. I am not implying that they should stop doing it. Police deal with criminals on a daily basis, and, after a while, I think it makes them a bit suspicious of everybody.

But not everybody who is working with the police is a criminal - like, say, the family of an infant who has been snatched from her bed. While the investigation may eventually lead to a family member, it should not start there. People in emotional distress behave differently depending on the individual. Some cry and scream and shout - like outsiders expect. Some drop into a state of shock, and maybe distance themselves from reality, becoming cold and distant. This, of course, would be viewed suspiciously, even though I suspect it is perfectly natural.

So what will become of young Lisa Irwin, and the family, and the police in Kansas City, MO? Statistics say that, if she was truly kidnapped, she will be returned home - eventually. Of the 250,000 kidnappings a year, only about 100 result in fatalities, and almost all of them occur within the first couple hours.

Of course, statistics don't mean much for this one family.

They will be in my prayers.

They need to be in all our prayers.

Movies, movies, movies...

My wife and family returned to the US several weeks ago, and I find myself with more time on my hands than I'd like. Since there is another expat here without family, we have spent quite a bit of time exploring Bangalore, and watching movies.

After finishing an old Showtime series, Dead Like me, and the mediocre movie that was made a few years after the series ended, we turned to an independent film with Jeff Bridges called "Tideland".

Now, I enjoy movies. Some of my favorites are not Hollywood, but are independent, or foreign, or the originals that Hollywood remade (Like "Quarantine"? See the original Spanish language, "[REC]")

The great thing about independent film is that the director and producer are not constrained by bean counters worried about recouping money. Independent films can be cheaply made ("Blair Witch Project"), push the envelope ("Reservoir Dogs"), and earn critical acclaim ("Night of the Living Dead").

Unfortunately, some are - I was going to say "bad" but that doesn't seem to fit. A bad movie, to me, is "Battlefield Earth". To this day I hate John Travolta for stealing 2 hours of my life. Even Independent Films that I dislike normally have some redeeming quality, some aspect that I like, or that works.

My case in point is "Tideland". If I would sum up the movie in a single word, it would have to be "weird". Or maybe "unique".

The movie focuses on a girl, Jeliza-Rose, who is about 10. Her parents are drug addicts, and both die within the first 30 minutes or so of the film, leaving her alone (which, in her case, is not much different than having 2 drug addicted parents).

What follows is a escalating sense of weirdness. She yearns for family, and comfort, and love, and finds it in the mentally handicapped man-child next door, while the man-child's sister functions as a sort of "mother" to the strange sorry little band.

If the purpose of art, whether painting, sculpture, or movie, is to evoke emotion, this movie succeeds. It is not a light movie (a "Popcorn Flick"). Some parts are downright disturbing. But when I look back after sleeping on it, I find it left me with a sense of hope, that things would improve, and maybe Jeliza-Rose had found the family she wanted.

Since it is now October, and the Halloween season is again upon us, I am going to be forcing my friend to watch some horror movies - my favorite genre. "Trick 'r Treat" is definitely on the list, as well as "The Devil's Backbone" and "Pan's Labrynth" from Guillermo del Toro (and maybe his earlier work, "Cronos"). Since my friend scares easily, I am leaning more to creepy rather than truly terrifying.

Suggestions welcome...

Caylee and Casey Anthony

I don't know who killed Caylee Anthony.

And, other than the killer(s), neither do you.

Like many Americans, I followed the investigation and trial on the internet, print, and occasionally television. There is little doubt that Casey's actions were suspicious, and she certainly won't win any Mother (or Daughter) awards. But I also wonder if we followers were not manipulated by the media, whether for ratings or otherwise, into assuming guilt on her part.

I have had the privilege of serving on a jury, although for a civil case, not criminal. While many potential jurors expressed a desire to "escape" Jury Duty, the ones actually chosen were, above all, conscientious, taking our responsibilities VERY seriously. Were I ever on trial, I would want the jury I was on, or another just like it. We debated, and argued, and at times fought - but we all kept an open mind, and were swayed by persuasive arguments. We debated for about 5 hours, after a 5 week trial. It was a wonderful experience, and I am glad I had the opportunity.

The Anthony jurors heard ALL the evidence, not just the pieces released to the media. They knew when they were picked that their decision would be scrutinized, whatever the outcome. Sure, some may have wanted to be on the jury for the potential benefits and media attention. Others thought, like I would have, that they could be fair and impartial, and that if THEY were on trial, they would want a person like themselves on the jury.

I will not question the jury's decision. I am disappointed that the killer(s) remain free, but if there is blame, it should fall to the prosecutor who either tried the wrong person, or failed to provide persuasive arguments.

As for Casey, she is living one of two realities. Either 1) She did get away with murder, and she will have to live with this for the rest of her life, as well as the notoriety and scorn that will follow her. She has a criminal record, and a job will be difficult. Should she choose to "cash in" on her fame, she may find herself stalked and threatened by some less stable members of society. She has alienated her family, friends, and many strangers. I don't envy her life.

The second possibility is that she truly is innocent of murder, although she may be guilty of terminal stupidity and sociopathic indifference to her child's welfare. She will live her life legally innocent, but with the vast majority of the country convinced of her guilt. She will eventually fade from the headlines, but it could be years before people forget her name or face. (Seriously, who remembers what Andrea Yates looks like?) She may eventually have some semblance of normalcy, but it will be years from now, and, if she is truly innocent, she will have served many years in a prison of her own making.

Killers do walk free. Karla Homolka, of "Ken and Barbie Murders" fame, is free from prison and parole, and is purportedly living in the Antilles. Mob killers have gotten new lives, and some even manage to avoid re-arrest (unlike Sammy "The Bull" Gravano).

I believe Casey Anthony should cease to be a newspaper headline. The government had its chance, and she was found "not guilty" by her peers. Leave her be. But I mean REALLY leave her be. No book deals. No paid interviews. No reality show contract.

Let her fade from memory, until the next courtroom drama or missing child turns our fickle heads. The sad thing is that there is always another one coming up, just over the horizon. Another kidnapped child held prisoner, another murdered baby, another heinous crime, and we, the public, love to be titillated.

Perhaps it is us, the public, who is most wrong in all of this. Or perhaps it is the newspapers, who have long since strayed from "information" to "entertainment". Or maybe the blame lies with the talking heads, with Nancy Grace and her ilk, who speak with authority about things they really don't know.

Wherever the blame lies, I know I must bear some of the responsibility. I watch the shows, I read the papers, I get emotionally involved in a case that has no bearing on me, or my life, and I allow my emotions and feeling to be manipulated by the media.

Casey Anthony, if you are innocent, I pray you get in this life what you deserve. Which, come to think of it, is also my prayer if you are guilty.