Thanksgiving

The celebration we now term as "Thanksgiving" is a bit unique in the world.

As instituted by George Washington (November 26, 1789, "as a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God"), it was a day for prayerfully acknowledging God, and thanking Him that we had just won our freedom.

It was not re-instituted as a national holiday until 1863, by Abe Lincoln, when it became an annual event.  (Of course, Congress tampered with it in 1941, making it the fourth Thursday in November, giving an extra week of Christmas shopping on years when the last Thursday is just too darn close for retailers.)

On this day, I'd like to list what I am thankful for.
First, my life in Christ.  Without that, everything else becomes meaningless.  I am unworthy, yet I am still accepted into the family of God.

My precious wife, although you are now 11 time zones away from me, we will be reunited in just a couple weeks, and I can feel your love all the way over here.

My family, who supports me in every way, and even understands me sometimes.

My time in India.  It has been an awakening experience, showing me not only what another culture is like, but also giving me greater insight into my own, US-centric worldview.

My job.  Too many people I know dislike their job, or are trying to find one.  I have a job I normally enjoy, and seems to be stable - or will be, when I return to the US.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  Take some time to give thanks, "with grateful hearts the many and signal favours of Almighty God"

Depression depresses me...

According to Wikipedia (the reference for people too lazy to look things up and verify for themselves): 

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can have a negative effect on a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings, world view and physical well-being.  Depressed people may feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions and may contemplate or attempt suicide.  Insomnia, Excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains or digestive problems that are resistant to treatment may also be present.

I believe I an suffering from depression.  Now, before you go calling the suicide hotline on my behalf, lets be blunt - depression is a MOOD.  Many times it is temporary, and in my case I believe this to be the case.  I think that when all my India packing is complete, and my feet are back on American soil, most, if not all, of my symptoms will vanish.  But for now, when combined with my ever-present anxiety and my panic attacks - well, let's just say it isn't much fun.  If it continues past my return home, then I will have myself evaluated by a professional. 

I find myself thinking about death a lot.  This is not necessarily bad - we each will die, and coming to grips with that is probably part of the human condition.  I find myself lethargic, constantly tired, and able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.  I have begun suffering from indigestion after every meal, whether it is spicy, or bland.  My anxiety and panic attacks kick in, and I swear I am having a heart attack - until I belch, and all the pressure vanishes.  I find myself walking a lot, just to relieve the gas - also, probably a good thing.

I chose to keep my middle child, my 12 year old daughter, in India with me.  I do not regret it, but she figures into my fears now as well - What if she has another allergic reaction?  What if my fears are realized, and I pass out or do suffer a medical emergency?  What if - well, fill in the blank.  There are a lot of scary possibilities when you alone are responsible for a child half a world away from anything familiar.

I am down to my last 3 weeks, give or take a few days.  I intend to do as much as I can, on what I have referred to as my "Fairwell Tour of Bangalore".  Yes, I know it is normally spelled "farewell", but I also know Bangalore can be more Fair or Carnival than anything else, so I'll keep the spelling I like, thank you very much.  I have much work to accomplish, and a lot of "fun" things to do as well.  These last weeks and weekends will be busy, and I want to enjoy them.

I don't want to be worried every minute of every day - yet I seem to be.  Constantly.  I find that my last weeks is what should be a joyful time are marred, and I have nobody to blame but myself.

I just wish I knew how to fix it.

All dressed up, and nowhere to go...

I suffer from panic attacks.

For those who do not know what that means, it means that, periodically, I will have the incredible sense that I am going to die, that the world is collapsing, and that I absolutely MUST get away from - well, from wherever I am.  My heart races, my fingers tingle, my chest tightens, my breathing becomes more erratic, I may feel like I am burning up with fever, or freezing cold - or both in rapid succession, and I feel like I am going to die.  Adrenaline floods my bloodstream.  I am in full "fight or flight" mode, but with nothing whatsoever to fight, and no way to get away from myself.

Panic attacks, to put it bluntly, suck.

I am not alone.  Some estimates are that as many as 40% of the population will have at least one panic attack.  Some of us will have many, many more - and worrying about them can induce them.  Caffeine - which means my beloved percolated coffee - can also trigger them.  And, like most of my emotional, physical, and mental problems, they are hereditary - So, Thanks for nothing, Dad.

My question is how do I handle them.  Rushing to the ER every time I have a panic attack will make my insurance a bit annoyed, drain my bank account, and put me on a first-name basis with my ER staff.  Doing nothing - my normal means of dealing with them - works in all but the most severe panic attacks.  The more severe ones - well, they really suck.

I have tried - truly, wholeheartedly, tried.  I prayed that God would remove the spirit of fear.  Unfortunately, it doesn't help.  Now before my Christian friends point out that perhaps my faith was lacking, let me remind you that Christ himself criticized his disciples for having faith less than that of a mustard seed.  I am sure my faith is lacking.  But I don't think that that is the reason for my panic attacks.

I have also tried take Alprazolam, also known as Xanax.  It works, mostly.  My doctor is afraid of dependence, so I am not supposed to use it until I am actually experiencing a panic attack - when I may or not have it with me.  Luckily, from what I can tell, no one has ever died from Panic Attacks - you just feel like you will.

So, if you suffer from Panic Attacks, or Panic Disorder, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, tell me - what works for you?  How do you fight yourself through a fear, when you KNOW it is a baseless, unrealistic fear, but your body goes on reacting as if it is petrified anyway?

Thanks...

My political ramblings

As I get older, I find my political views are changing.  This is not necessarily a positive for either of the presumed presidential candidates, though. 

Living in India, I have found people (or at least those represented by the newspaper's views) to be childish.  Actually, that is probably too strong a word - Childlike is probably better.

They expect the government to protect them from - well, pretty much everything.  Famine, war pestilence?  Check.  Adult themes on television, as evidenced by banning "The Dirty Picture", a critically acclaimed movie, which was denied a showing even after ALL the edits suggested by the sensors?  Check. 

I wonder what is next.  Do Indians (or anyone) have the right not to be offended?  I certainly hope not - Part of Freedom is the ability to offend people. Yes, it is tempered - I don't have the right to scream "Fire" in a crowded movie theater.  But don't I have rights to express myself?  Why should anyone have the right to oppress my expression?

In the US, there are a few things that would define me as "liberal".  (Very few things.)  Gay marriage, for example.  It's not that I support it, or oppose it.  I just don't care.  If two people want to get married, and spend money for a wedding, why should I care whether they are both male, or female, or white, black, Asian, Hispanic, or, to be honest, human?  There are some people who will argue that soon people will be marrying dogs and cats.  Again - who cares?  No tax breaks for marrying a non-human, and everything seems fine to me.  Of course, since the animal can't sign divorce papers, good luck changing your mind later...

Drug laws - they aren't working.  I don't know what they should be, but looking at what we have, there is a pretty good example of "What not to do".  I am for the decriminalization of certain drugs, and believe that they should be treated like cigarettes and alcohol - regulate and tax the snot out of them.  Another Liberal check for my political viewpoint.



I am strongly in favor of Capitol Punishment.  Murderers can escape (like the Texas bunch did), and they can kill again.  Capital Punishment guarantees that they don't murder again.  A check for the Conservative column.  And I am against Abortion.  Check two in the Conservative column.  (BTW, I find it a little hard to understand any person who thinks killing murderers is bad, but killing unborn babies is ok.) 

Where I am very conservative is finances.  While my personal finances don't always reflect appropriate decisions, I expect my government to be frugal and cautious with MY money, and everybody elses money, also.  I don't expect Government to take care of everything.  I believe Ford (not Jefferson, as is often mis-attributed) was right - "A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have."

What I want MOST from my government is to be left alone.  The less involved with my life the government is, the happier I am.  Jefferson did say "The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground."  (Thomas Jefferson knew small government was best.  He also hated debt and banks, so two more pluses for TJ.)  Big government - Like our current president embraces - scares the bejesus out of me.

I find more and more I view myself as "Libertarian".  I want the government to stay out of my hair (so to speak) and out of my love life/financial life/childrearing decisions/everything else.  I am also enough of a realist to recognise that a Libertarian candidate will NEVER succeed at the national level.  (OK, Never may be too strong - how about "not in the next few years".)  So - I vote with the candidate that most agrees with me between the big two. 

You can find out who most agrees with you.  Check out http://www.selectsmart.com/president/.

Mors Omnibus Communis

The Latin makes the post sound interesting.  I'll save you the trouble of using Google - It means "Death comes to all men" (or, "all things").

I have been sick the last three days, with a fever and muscle aches.  This is the second time in a month, which is not normal for me.  Coupled with the sickness, though, is a form of - not depression, exactly, but a constant focus on my own demise.  I am sure many people go through this, a kind of grieving process for your own mortality.  (I know - I Googled it, and "Accepting own mortality" has 12 million hits.)

Perhaps it is this phase in life - the acceptance that one's life is finite, not the knowledge of it, but the full total acceptance - that leads to "mid-life crisis".  After all, why think about death when you can buy a sports car, ditch the wife for a silicon-implanted 20-something, and pretend you have a new lease on life? 

Maybe I could go the other direction, and become an old man before my time.  Take up dominoes, play checkers in the front lawn with an old coon hound, watch Lawrence Welk, and complain about all the "Noise" the radio stations are playing.

Nah, that doesn't sound like me either. 

Shakespeare wrote "Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once."  I always believed that it was the running away that caused the "coward" to "die" a thousand times, but now I wonder if it isn't the worry, anxiety, and fear that the Bard was referring to.  If so, I am a coward.  I have tasted death hundreds of times, in my worry and fear.

I am a Christian.  I believe there is an afterlife.  I believe in the resurrection of all men.  "It is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgement."  I don't fear death, but dying scares the crap out of me.

I wonder why it bothers me so much.  I am a reasonably logical fellow.  I accept that everything that lives will die.  There just seems like there should be an exception for ME.  That seems selfish.  Ok, an exception for you, too.

Maybe it is because this is one of the areas where I have NO control whatsoever.  I didn't get a vote.  I was never asked my opinion.  I can't opt out of it.  I can't choose to pay a tax rather than go along with it.  (Yes, that was a dig at Obamacare)   (Side Note - I find it funny that spell check suggests replacing Obamacare with Macabre.) 

I assume this, like other overwhelming situations, needs to be handled using "Elephant Mastication".  (How do you eat an Elephant?  One bite at a time.)  Some things make it easier to take a bite.  This blog, for example, helps.  A warm bed with a soft body makes the nights feel less dark and scary.  Even knowing that all mortals before me faced the same inner turmoil makes gives me hope that I also may come to fully accept it.

Dylan Thomas wrote a famous poem, urging his father to fight death, to not give in.  It starts: 
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."


I feel he was wrong.  When it is time, I pray that I will face my death with dignity, that I will be able to comfort my family with my acceptance. 

I know my life will end.  I just pray it is not too soon.

Trials and Tribulations

Stuff happens.

While that is not really profound, I find that I always expect things to just "Happen" when they should, for things to just work, and for plans to always come together, despite knowing that life is messy and complicated.

Recently my daughter spent some time with us in Bangalore, India. Her time here was enjoyed by all, and it was a difficult parting on Wednesday, when she returned to the US.

Through a mutual decision, we chose to keep her cell phone suspended, and to move her to her own plan. The phone was ordered, and arrived at our home in the US before she left, so she knew her phone would be waiting for her - but it also meant the trip would be taken without a cell phone.

Since I normally am unable to get cell service overseas anyway, and the layovers were expected to be relatively short, this seemed like a minor inconvenience. The biggest problem would be getting the limo company to know exactly when she was arriving, so I decided to closely monitor her flights, and update them myself.

She had her iPod, a pair of laptops, her mom's debit card, and a sunny disposition, so we figured she would be fine.

The trip is never easy, normally running 32 hours or so from door to door, being locked in 2 planes of over 8 hours duration each, and never really having a place to sleep, rest, or unwind. (I believe my family is the reason other passengers drink heavily.)

In my daughters case, it was much worse than normal. From what I have learned, her flight from Bangalore to London was uneventful (which, when flying half way around the world, is as good as it gets), where all plans when out the window.

Her flight from London to Chicago was delayed, then delayed again, then cancelled for hydrolic issues. Knowing a little bit about planes, I know that hydrolic issues in the big boys is a major problem. In addition to raising and lowering the landing gear (something needed for a 'landing' rather than a 'crash landing'), hydrolics also control the flaps and rudder - you know, so you could climb or descend, and actual steer the plane. Important stuff, all. Much better to cancel the flight, than risk people's lives.

The cancellation put her in a bind. She had no way to let us know what was going on, and she really didn't know what to do. (Me, I always play to my strengths - I become the loud, angry, XXXL American that nobody wants to deal with, until somebody lets me know what is going on and makes things right.) When the decision was made to cancel the flight, she ended up in a line a couple hours long, but did eventually get tickets for the first flight to the US the next day (to Washington DC), a connection to Indy 3 hours after the scheduled landing in DC, coupons for meals, and a hotel room for the night.

She was also able to borrow a cell phone, and call my Skype to let me know what was going on. While I knew the flight had been cancelled, I didn't know what arrangements had been made, so the call was very helpful, even though it came at 3:00 AM India time. I altered the reservation for her ride to the new date and time, and asked her to send an e-mail or call from DC if there were any changes.

She also had to get her checked bags, lug them with her to the hotel, drag them back to the airport, and recheck them, all in an unfamiliar airport, where they don't speak English, but British.

Since Murphy and his law are alive and well, her flight was delayed by two hours. Remember, she had no way of telling us anything, but I am monitoring the situation. Assuming that the one hour between the new "Expected" landing and the departure of her flight to Indy was not sufficient to go through passport control, get her bags, go through customs, recheck her bags, pass through security again, and make it to her gate, I notified the limo company of her new planned flight (almost 5 hours later), and did the best I could to get her a message - Apple's iMessage service, facebook private message, and letting her fiancee know (because I figured if she was given one phone call, it wouldn't be to me).

While she is familiar with the procedures in Chicago, our nation's capital seems to have put her off her game. She apparently spend several hours in line going through Passport Control (Immigration), and by the time she cleared customs she was pretty upset. She borrowed another cell phone, and called us (again, 3:30 AM India time), crying and stressed.

I calmed her down a little, explained that I already knew she was going to miss her connection, that I figured she was going to be booked on the flight that she was, in fact, booked on, and that arrangements had already been made for her transportation from Indy international to our home. She had plenty of time, she should try and relax, get something to eat, and enjoy the fact that the trip was almost over.

She told me that she was unable to check her mail, because her devices were all dead, and the hotel in London did not have adapters (and she was - wisely - not going to pay $30 for an adapter when we already had half a dozen, just not in her possession). The hotel also did not have an alarm clock, nor a "Wake up" facility, so she put the TV to CNN, which had the time constantly on the channel, and woke up frequently to check the time, and ensure that she didn't oversleep.

The final leg of her journey was uneventful, the limo service was where they were supposed to be, and she was home just after 1:00 AM - about 24 hours later than planned.

In all, her trip home was 8, 655 miles, and it took her 55 hours. She averaged over 157 miles an hour. It was a rough trip, but infinitely easier than what the same trip would have entailed a century ago.

My point for this post, though, is not to just to state what a long difficult trip this was for her, but to observe that life itself is like this trip - a series of difficulties and trials that must be addressed, and overcome or worked around. While I am sure she was miserable, she learned some things about people, and herself, from the experience. It didn't break her, it will make her stronger and more resilient, and that means the experience served its purpose as teacher.

We all have trials and tribulations. Some are short lived - a fender bender, a rough trip, or standing in line to deal with an overworked and stressed out British Airways employee. Some trials take longer - a layoff, a change of address, financial difficulties.

I wondered what exactly the difference was between a trial and a tribulation. Google, as always provided the answer. A trial is a test - something that tests your resolve, determination, and commitment. A tribulation, while similar, is a difficulty which costs something - same root as in "paying tribute". Trials can be overcome without any permanent loss.

I believe some trials can become tribulations if not dealt with properly. Financial trials can become tribulations easily. The loss of a loved one is always a tribulation, but the loss of a job is not, and can be overcome.

I pray that we meet all our trials head on, and they never grow into tribulation.